I found this letter by the actor Alan Cumming to his 16 year old self, in an old copy of the Guardian Magazine today. It is a most potently honest and emotive message but it was the ending which finally sent the tears streaming down my cheeks:
You’re never going to have children, Alan. You’re going to try, in relationships with both men and women, but it doesn’t happen, and that’s okay too. Right now you could have the happiest family anyone could wish for.
It’s really is all going to be okay. I’ll see you in 29 years. Enjoy it.
Love from Alan x
You have to read the full letter and all the other letters in the article – honestly, they’ll make your heart melt.
Personally I’m still too young and immature to write a letter advice to my 16 year old self – in fact it’d probably be more useful if the 16 year old me had taken the time to write a letter to my 30 year old self. No, what I’d really love right now (and I know this is a bit Back to the Future II) is a letter of comfort from the older, wiser future me. So future me, if you ever get the chance to write to the current me, please can you answer these questions?:
- Do I ever get pregnant? With IVF or otherwise?
- Do I adopt?
- Was the adoption process really as humiliating as I thought it would be?
- Do I make a good mum?
- Are my kids adorable or are they little shits?
- Was it ever all worth it?
- Does my relationship hold together or does it burst at the seams?
- Do I go completely mad?
- Or am I now happy and childless after wasting precious years on chasing a dream I never really needed?
- Would I have done it any other way?
I read that too. I half-wish that I could write a letter to myself just five years ago to say enjoy the next five years, you won’t be any closer to getting pregnant aged 35 than you were aged 30, so you might as well start trying in ernest then! But that is a bit of a miserable thought …
That is indeed a miserable thought but I kinda know what you mean. Sometimes I think we’ve been at this thing for 15 months so we must be getting better at it by now but the truth is each month we’re right back at square one.
Your comment reminds me that I should stop counting the months and start enjoying myself more – after all these might be my last months as a childless independent woman! Who knows.
I just discovered you blog the other day and like it a lot. Very best of luck with your next cycle of IVF.
I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. I also was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. I too live with the physical pain of that awful disease and for years lived with the emotional pain of not knowing if I would ever be able to have a baby. Your blog sounds so much like me back then. You are so brave I hope you know that. I hope that whatever you decide about ivf or adoption or not having kids at all provides you with peace. Don’t give up on your dream to
be a mommy if you aren’t ready. I was told by numerous doctors that we would most likely never have a baby and I proved them all wrong when our miracle was born in 2009. Please know that another endometriosis sufferer is thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
Hi Nicole, Thanks so much for your message, it’s so sweet. There’s tons of women out there who have endometriosis but not so many who are stage 4 so it’s really lovely to hear from you and know that you managed to have a baby! It really makes my heart beam with hope! Do you have any tips for improving my chances of conceiving?
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to improve your chances. Just keep working with your doctors I guess. Ask for help when you need it and most of all do what is best for you & don’t be ashamed if what’s best for you changes every day. Endometriosis is a battle. Infertility is a greater battle. Keep fighting for what is right for you and don’t give up on your dream whatever it might be… A baby, adoption or just a happy couple. Please know I am hoping for you with all my heart!
I hadn’t seen that Guardian article so thanks for sharing….I too felt sad reading Alan Cummings comments about children
I too wish for a let from my future self and I wonder what I’d like to hear from my 35 year old self at 16!! I might post about it